One step
by IceBlueWings
Summary: One-shot  Miriallia reminisces on her relationship with Tolle and his death, and moves on with a new person in her life. Miri/Tolle, Miri/Dearka.


**Summary:**

**This is a story in Miriallia's point of view, where she reminisces on her relationship with Tolle. She reflects on her past and makes her way to a life with someone new.**

"_Miri,_"

I hear your voice calling me, every night, since you have gone. It is hard, you know, to keep hearing my name with your voice when you're not even around. I have dreams of myself waking up and then finding you here – the living world – where I am right now. But reality always strikes hard when I wake up and realize it was all just a dream.

I had a number of dreams where I just woke up in tears. There were a few but recurrent dreams where I saw you die in front of me, and I was helpless. Why couldn't I have stopped you when you went on that Skyrgrasper that day? But I know that even if got angry at you or threw tantrums and acted childishly, you would have still got on that Skygrasper and helped Kira.

It hurts, Tolle. I could have hated the Coordinators for your death, but I know and you know that there were good Coordinators like Kira, Lacus, Dearka and…Athrun. I wonder what you would have done if I was dead instead, and you found out that Athrun was the one who killed me. I think you would know that no one meant for this to happen.

I still have your picture beside me, and I will never forget you. I can't. It's not out of guilt. I love you, I still do. A lot of people are worried about me, especially my parents. They fear that I would just…leave and join you. Not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but time heals all wounds, as they say.

Of course, that is not to say that the wound has been healed completely. In fact, I wonder if the wound will ever heal. You have been a large part of my life, Tolle. For you to go so easily, in just that short moment, simply makes me wish I had more time with you or it makes me wish I could have stopped you, somehow. But no matter how many times I play out a scenario in my mind of making me stop you, it always ends with you getting on the Skygrasper. It must be because the truth, or reality, would always remind me that that was how it ended.

I want you to know that I'm doing fine. It's been around three years since you've gone and I've been working as a journalist. You probably know that already. I'm glad that the war is over. But we all know that this is just the beginning. We're all working hard to keep the peace between us and one day, I know that we'll all accept one another. It gets a little better for me now, because there are a lot of happier stories out there than before. I wish you could see it, Tolle, after all the fighting we've been through. We never knew how harsh and sad war could be, but we are one of the many who experienced it.

…Some of us just weren't that lucky to tell it.

The 'me' right now is still learning to get back on my feet. When you lose people in your life, even if it is just one, or two or three, it's hard to just walk around like always, especially if it is someone like you. Some days I cry, while some days I smile, all because of the memories of you that I have. That's the only most vivid thing that I keep of you in my heart; memories. I have pictures of you with me, but memories are stronger. In my memories, you're moving, you're laughing, and you're real until I snap out of my thoughts. It's kind of sad when I hear myself telling you this but it really is true.

Although we never initially joined the military at first, we made good friends in the Archangel, didn't we? Unfortunately, there were people we lost along the way, right up to the end of the First Bloody Valentine war. It's sad. No one really wants war, yet we rage war while talking about peace.

Tolle, I'm sure you know by now that there's someone in my life that has made an impact on me. It's Dearka. It's funny how our first real meeting was me trying to kill him. While he may sound arrogant at times and likes to tease, he's a really nice guy. Back then I thought, why should he be here when you're not? And then I was afraid that if I got too close to him, bad things would happen, as if…as if the same thing that happened to you would happen to him. Unlike us, he was always a soldier. He would always be out there, fighting. So I was afraid and I dumped him after we dated for a while, at first. Fear got the better of me and I thought it would be better for the both of us this way. It stayed that way until around the end of the Second Bloody Valentine War.

But I was wrong. I tried to forget about him, believing that I would be betraying you and feeling guilty of ever dating him. I have never thought it would come to this. How could I have fallen for someone else, when you are the one who will forever be in my heart?

And then you appeared in my dreams, once again, although this time you told me something. Something that I will never forget and will believe in, because I know that was really you, reaching out to me.

"_You'll be fine. You like him, don't you? Stop lying to yourself; I don't want to keep you back here. You have to find him and tell him the truth. Really, Miri, you're so dishonest to yourself. How long are you going to be tied down to the past?_"

I woke up in tears because of how true those words were. How long was I going to be tied down to the past? I keep walking forward, but I'm not really there. And as if you were helping me, I met Dearka a few days later, while I was working and he was having a break, in Orb. It was hard to make the first step. Then I heard your voice again, pushing me to be who I should really be.

Thank you, Tolle. Dearka was patient and he understood. It was rocky in the beginning, and it was my fault. I kept crating a distance between us because I was still so afraid. But maybe he knew that I was so afraid of losing people close to me, so he promised me that he would always come back to me. He told me it was okay to be afraid, and that he would wait.

I broke down, apologizing to him. I realized the importance of it now. I could be afraid, but I couldn't let the fear overwhelm me. After I understood myself, I began to see things much clearer. Dearka, he…he really cares and loves me.

He's not ever replacing you, and he's made that clear himself. He even said that he wouldn't mind me sharing a few memories I had with you, but I didn't want to. It would only make me go back to the past while I'm already in the present, and I wanted to keep these memories of you only to myself.

Tolle, you are someone I can never replace in my life, and I want you to know that. I will always love you, and I will always keep you close to me. But you've told me many things as time passed by and I've come to realize that I have to keep moving forward and away from these memories. Watch over me, Tolle.


End file.
